Grandchildren Can be a Hot Button: Advice From DILs to MILs
With The Mother-in-Law Project, I interviewed and surveyed more than 800 mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law across the US.
One of the questions asked of the daughters-in-law was: What advice would you give to women hoping to be the best mother-in-law possible? Turns out, many times grandchildren are a big hot button for DILs. Basically, the issues (good or bad) that come up within the MIL/DIL relationship can be amplified with the addition of those wonderful cherubs: grandchildren.
Directly from DILs, here are the top issues when it comes to their children:
Respect Parenting Decisions
Follow the parents’ rules and boundaries regarding the grandchildren.
“Respect your daughter-in-law’s parenting style and boundaries.”
Avoid interfering with how parents choose to raise their children.
“Don’t try to parent the grandkids and don’t give unsolicited advice.”
Support our rules and boundaries.
“Don’t go behind the mother’s back on her parenting decisions.”
Embrace differences.
“Be open to someone else’s way of parenting and understand that your daughter-in-law may parent her kids differently than you did.”
Treat Your Grandchildren Equally
Avoid bias among grandchildren, as children notice unequal treatment.
“Treat all grandchildren the same.”
“Be fair with grandkids and don’t show favoritism.”
Build Relationships With Them
Spend quality time with grandchildren and create meaningful bonds.
“Spend time with the grandkids for no reason.”
Show interest in your grandchildren’s lives and activities.
“Show up when you promise to attend your grandchild’s events.”
Offer help thoughtfully, but don’t be pushy or demanding.
“Offer to watch children so parents can have a meal or a night away occasionally.”
Avoid Criticism
Do not criticize the parents’ choices or make them feel judged.
“Don’t criticize your child’s spouse to your child.”
“Don’t make your daughter-in-law feel incompetent.”
“You didn’t want anyone telling you how to parent your children. You wanted to do it your way. Let your daughter-in-law do it her way.”
Be Supportive and Encouraging
Offer emotional support and encouragement to both parents and grandchildren.
“Be supportive, be loving and offer advice only when asked.”
“Be encouraging regarding your DILs’ endeavors.”
Summary
Research shows that most often DILs want to have good relationships with their MILs. DILs appreciate when their MILs respect boundaries, avoid overstepping, and support their parenting decisions.
DILs also want their MILs to have strong relationships with their grandchildren. Treating all the children equally and being present in their lives are other key elements to being the wonderful grandmother you want to be.
I help mothers-in-law create a close, trusting relationship with their daughters-in-law so they stay deeply connected to their child and future grandchildren. If you’d like a free resource, I created a simple guide with small steps that really make a difference.
