Why the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationship Matters More Than You Think
Insights from The Mother-in-Law Project: A Study of 800 Women Across the U.S.
If there’s one relationship that can shape the emotional heartbeat of a family, it’s the one between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law. It influences how holidays feel, how often families gather and even how close grandparents are to their grandchildren. Yet despite its quiet power, this relationship is rarely talked about openly or studied seriously.
That’s why I launched The Mother-in-Law Project, a nationwide research effort involving more than 800 women across the United States. My goal was simple: to understand what really makes this relationship thrive or falter — and why it matters more than most of us realize.
The findings were both eye-opening and deeply human. They reveal that while many relationships between mothers-in-law (MILs) and daughters-in-law (DILs) are full of affection and connection, others quietly struggle under the weight of tension, distance or misunderstanding — often due to the complexity of blending two families.
Again and again one message rose above all others: this relationship matters more than most people realize. It can shape how often families gather, how close grandchildren feel and even how love and belonging are passed down through generations. The data painted a clear picture — this bond isn’t a side note in family life; it’s one of its most powerful threads.
Two Sides of the Same Story: How MILs and DILs Feel About Each Other
When asked how satisfied they were with their mother-in-law relationship, about half of daughters-in-law (51%) described it as generally positive. But about one in five (20%) said they were dissatisfied — showing that not every family connection feels easy or comfortable.
By contrast, mothers-in-law were far more positive, with three out of four (75%) saying they felt satisfied with the relationship.
This difference highlights something important: each side often experiences the relationship differently. What feels “fine” to one person may feel strained to the other. Recognizing that gap can be the first step toward understanding and healing.
Voices from DIL respondents:
“My family accepted my husband as a close relative, whereas my in-laws do not accept spouses as actual family.”
“We’re more comfortable with my side of the family. There’s no guilt or judgment — just love.”
Acknowledging the emotional reality on both sides doesn’t create division — it creates compassion.
When Grandchildren Enter the Picture
Few life changes reshape family dynamics like the arrival of grandchildren.
For many mothers-in-law, this season brings deeper joy and connection — 58% said their relationship with their daughter-in-law improved after grandchildren arrived. But for DILs, the experience is more mixed: 36% said things got better, while 20% said they grew more strained.
Voices from DIL respondents:
“My parents are respectful of boundaries and follow our rules. I have the desire to mend our mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, but the ‘ignore it and go away’ approach isn’t working.
”My mother-in-law would prefer to just be with the grandchildren without me around.”
Grandchildren can be a bridge or a battleground — it often depends on how both sides approach their new roles. When mothers-in-law balance enthusiasm with respect for boundaries, the relationship often blossoms. When those boundaries are crossed, it can unintentionally create distance.
Where We Spend Our Time — and What It Says About Our Relationships
When asked how much time they spend with each side of the family, daughters-in-law were nearly evenly divided:
38% said they spend more time with their own family
35% said they spend more time with their spouse’s family
27% said time is about equal
At first glance, that seems fair — but the stories behind the numbers tell a deeper truth.
Voices from DIL respondents:
“My family makes the effort and loves having our children. My husband’s family doesn’t.”
“We try hard to be equitable with our time with each side of the family.”
Sometimes geography matters, but more often emotional comfort does. When a DIL feels respected and safe, she naturally wants to spend more time together. When she feels judged or unwelcome, she pulls back.
The Ripple Effect
When we compared daughters-in-law’s satisfaction levels with the amount of time spent with each side of the family, a strong relational pattern emerged: DILs who described their MIL relationships as positive were much more likely to report balanced time between both families. Conversely, DILs who expressed dissatisfaction were far more likely to spend more time with their own families, citing tension, lack of acceptance or the need to protect emotional wellbeing.
Voices from DIL respondents:
“We spend more time with his family because they are more loving, kind and fun to be with.”
“His parents hate me — and I don’t care for them either.”
Put simply: when the MIL/DIL relationship is healthy, family time is more balanced. A positive connection between these two women often translates into stronger family bonds overall.
Who’s the Social Planner?
Another fascinating insight: in most families, the daughter-in-law is the social planner. More than 60% said they initiate family gatherings, outings and visits.
A voice from a DIL respondent:
“I plan most of our travels and events.”
That means when a DIL feels included and appreciated, she’s far more likely to organize get-togethers — the very events that keep extended families close.
For mothers-in-law, this is an opportunity to nurture connection in simple but powerful ways. A genuine “Thanks for making this happen!” or a gracious “You choose what works best for you” can create more goodwill than you might imagine — and open the door to more shared time together.
The Opportunity Within the Relationship
The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be tender, complex and transformative all at once. It may never be effortless, but it can always grow.
A voice from a DIL respondent:
“We enjoy [my in-laws], they enjoy us, and they have a great love and relationship with our kids.”
When both women commit to curiosity, kindness and communication, even long-standing tensions can soften. This connection isn’t just about two people — it’s about the family culture that grows around them.
Because when mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law work together, the entire family benefits — from the children who feel more secure to the spouses who feel less caught in the middle to the grandparents who get to enjoy deeper, more joyful relationships.
Final Thought
Every statistic tells a story — and every story carries a chance to reconnect. Whether your relationship with your daughter-in-law is flourishing or still finding its rhythm, your willingness to listen, understand and show a little grace can echo through your family for years to come.
In the end the bridge between you isn’t built on perfection — it’s built on patience, empathy and a love that keeps reaching across the gap.
Even a small gesture — a thank-you, a thoughtful invitation or letting her take the lead on a family gathering — can spark connection and goodwill that lasts far beyond the moment. Try it at your next get-together, and notice how these little acts of care can strengthen the bond over time.
